


when i’m down

by notsaturnsteely



Category: Pandora Hearts
Genre: Dancing, Fluff, M/M, Mutual Pining, canon compliant? maybe?, how do tags work, probably ooc sorry, slight angst
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-08
Updated: 2020-11-08
Packaged: 2021-03-09 00:47:34
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,067
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27455977
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/notsaturnsteely/pseuds/notsaturnsteely
Summary: “Dance with me.”Elliot turned back to face Leo. “Huh?”Leo pushed himself away from the railing and extended a gloved hand towards Elliot.“Dance with me,” he repeated.or: leo is sad and gay
Relationships: Leo Baskerville/Elliot Nightray
Comments: 11
Kudos: 36





	when i’m down

**Author's Note:**

> hi!! this is my first fic ever!! i’m rereading pandora hearts for the first time in a fat minute and i just remembered how much i love these two. this whole thing is probably hella ooc but,, anyways. enjoy my shitty writing, i needed an outlet for all my repressed gay yearning

The golden lights weren’t always there, but when they were, they were impossible to ignore. They were bright, and they were everywhere, and when Leo tried to look at them dead-on, they disappeared. Almost like the crystalline flecks inside a rock that seemed to vanish when you tilted it at the wrong angle. To be honest, Leo found it infuriating, the way the world around him would sometimes deign to shine for him yet never allow him to admire its beauty in full. 

The voices came around far less often, but they were still unsettling. Leo preferred not to dwell on them, so he didn’t. They were best left untouched.

But perhaps the worst part of Leo’s condition was when the two merged together, when the lights swayed in time with the whispers in his head, when everything shimmered too bright and everyone spoke too loud, too harshly. It was overwhelming. Suffocating, even.

And that was the case tonight, as Leo leaned against a balcony railing, away from the loud, crowded Nightray ballroom. He had never fared too well with crowds, far preferring the company of his books and a nice, quiet room over pointless conversation and formalities. To be plagued by the lights, the voices, and the burden of social interaction all at once was simply too much to ask of him tonight, so he did what any sensible valet would do—he ditched Elliot and went to look for some peace and quiet. For somewhere he could close his eyes and think. Besides, he knew the dancing would start soon, and he wanted to be long gone before it began.

He’d wandered around for a while before settling on a small balcony not too far from the ballroom, where he could just barely hear the music through the walls without needing to see the people in attendance. After spending far too much time in that stifling environment, he needed some fresh air. The outdoors supplied him with a cool, gentle breeze that blew through his hair and left him feeling calm and at ease. Crickets chirped peacefully, hidden behind flowers and shrubs in the gardens below. He had to admit, the lights did add a nice touch to the dark scenery, even if their twinkling was decidedly obnoxious. Oh well. Tonight, this was as good as it was going to get.

There were several possible explanations for Leo’s hatred of Nightray’s lavish parties. For one, he detested small talk. It was nothing but a waste of time. He wasn’t much for dancing either, though it was likely because he’d never properly learned how to. Girls never asked him to dance, and he never asked them, either. Not that anyone would ever want to dance with a valet—a commoner—like him, in the first place. Besides, Leo thought it was just a meaningless show, spinning in circles, pretending to care about some stupid footwork. The only good thing about a ball was the orchestra, but Leo didn’t need to be in the middle of the floor in order to listen to the symphony play out. Standing up here, far removed from the scene, was more than enough for him. He closed his eyes, shutting out the lights, and listened to the music mingling with the calm harmony of nighttime. The voices were slowly dissipating, reduced to just a quiet murmur in the back of his head. He inhaled deeply, exhaled slowly. All was still. Finally, Leo could relax. 

The balcony doors burst open, followed by a loud sigh of relief.

“There you are, you little shit. I’ve been looking everywhere for you.”

Leo glanced over his shoulder to see Elliot in the doorway, hands on his knees, breathing heavily. He looked like he’d just ran a mile. What an idiot. _What do I have to do to get two minutes to myself around here?_

“Congratulations. You found me.”

“And not a moment too soon. If I had to go up and down another flight of stairs I think I would’ve passed out.”

Leo’s irritation at being interrupted dissolved as his mind conjured a rather amusing image of Elliot draped across a chaise lounge, fully unconscious, with servants fanning his face and dabbing his forehead with a cloth. A small smile fought its way onto Leo’s face. The one and only Elliot Nightray, the designated proud hot-head of the family, reduced to a weak little damsel in distress. Oh, how he longed to see that. Although, Elliot did have a bit of a penchant for playing the damsel in distress already. Not that Leo would ever point it out. He did, surprisingly, place more value on his life than that.

“Always one for theatrics.”

“Shut the _fuck_ up, Leo. You’re the one who disappeared into thin air like a damn ghost in the first place. Don’t talk to me about theatrics.”

Elliot shut the balcony doors and crossed the floor to stand next to Leo, leaning his back against the railing and letting his elbows rest against the cool stone. 

“Facing the glass doors, huh? Are you checking out your reflection?”

“You’re insufferable.” Elliot rolled his eyes as he straightened his collar. “I’ve got to make sure I still look presentable after all that running around.”

That small smile turned into a full-blown laugh. “Oh please. You probably went up two flights of stairs and crossed one hallway to find me, at _most_. I would hardly call that ‘running around.’”

Elliot glared at him. “Why’d you leave, anyways? I had to talk to all those people by myself. It was such an ordeal.”

“I’m your valet, not your babysitter. I’m sure you handled it just fine. Why’d you look for me?”

“Just answer the question, Leo, I’m too exhausted for this shit.”

Leo rolled his eyes. “Because it’s nice out here. It would be a shame not to enjoy the view.” 

Technically, it wasn’t a lie. He _had_ been enjoying the view. Somewhat. 

“It’s pitch black outside,” Elliot deadpanned.

“Exactly. Is that not an exquisite view?”

“Psh. Weirdo.”

As their conversation died down, the faint sound of the orchestra was audible again. Beside him, Elliot began fidgeting with the chain on his lapel. Under normal circumstances, Leo would’ve said something about the noise, but right now he was too tired to care. He continued to follow the golden lights, eyes tracing their slow paths in the air like he was watching fish swim in a pond. They were so bright, and they were everywhere and nowhere all at once, sometimes so close that Leo felt he could reach out and scoop them up in the palm of his hand. They were right there. Could Elliot really not see them? It felt impossible to him, that such an essential part of his being was so completely foreign to those around him. There had to be at least one person, somewhere, who could see them too. Maybe even someone who heard the same things he heard. If he could find them, Leo thought, maybe he wouldn’t feel so alone.

Elliot broke the silence. “You look like you’re thinking really hard about something.”

Leo scoffed. “Maybe that’s because, unlike you, I actually have a brain to think with.”

“Oh shut up,” said Elliot as he softly punched Leo’s arm. The punch lacked conviction. After what appeared to be a moment of consideration, Elliot turned to look at Leo. “Seriously, though, is there something on your mind? You look worried.”

Leo didn’t respond. He just kept his gaze fixated on the darkness below, face impassive. Even if he denied it, Elliot would still pick up that something was wrong. For all his impulsive airs, Elliot had the uncanny ability to distinguish subtle shifts in Leo’s mood, even if he could never quite pinpoint what had changed. So Leo just kept his mouth shut. He wasn’t used to speaking his feelings out loud, anyways. 

“You don’t have to tell me if you don’t want to,” Elliot added softly.

 _I want to,_ Leo thought, _but what would I even say?_ He very well couldn’t drop everything on him all at once. There was no way anything he said could even come close to describing the _otherness,_ the visceral sense of _un-belonging_ that pervaded every part of his being, every second of every day. There were no words for the fear he felt when the voices picked up in the back of his skull, when they migrated to his ears, when they found a home in his heart and uttered terrible, unspeakable things. Things Leo couldn’t understand. Things Leo thought he remembered. Things Leo knew he had never experienced, though he felt that somehow, once before, he had. There was no way to explain the lights, those goddamn golden flecks of light, that were there and were not there and looked like they would taste sweet but burned so bright sometimes that they would give him a migraine. Leo was so, so tired of it all. When he wasn’t living it, he was thinking about it. He didn’t want to think about it anymore, but he didn’t know how to stop. Maybe a distraction? 

Leo honed in on the music coming from the ballroom. Judging by the tempo, the dancing had begun. A clear, lively waltz seeped through the mansion’s walls. It was beautiful—perhaps too beautiful to pass up. Leo took a deep breath.

“Dance with me.”

Elliot turned back to face Leo. “Huh?”

Leo pushed himself away from the railing and extended a gloved hand towards Elliot. 

“Dance with me,” he repeated. 

Elliot laughed, but it seemed to mask an emotion Leo couldn’t place. Hesitance? What for? 

“Leo, you’re a worse dancer than me.” Still, he took Leo’s hand and allowed him to pull him towards the center of the balcony. 

Leo grinned. “And what about it? I’ll bet I’m still better than half the people down there.”

“Debatable. Can you even see where you’re going with your hair covering your face like that?” Elliot reached over to push Leo’s bangs to the side. Leo froze under Elliot’s touch. No matter how often Elliot would grab Leo’s arm or hold his hand, Leo never got used to the feeling of Elliot’s hands on his face. They were so uncharacteristically gentle compared to his abrasive personality, tucking the longer strands behind Leo’s ears, brushing the shorter ones away from Leo’s eyes—and he never knew what to make of it.

“Of course I can see, and you know it. You just want an excuse to stare lovingly in my eyes, don’t you?” Leo teased, hoping the jibe would prevent Elliot from noticing his distress.

It worked. Elliot’s face dropped at once, and he quickly lowered his hands. “Just shut up and get on with it,” he muttered.

_Well. I didn’t expect that._

“I’m just waiting on you, Elliot.”

Elliot cleared his throat. “Right. So. How are we going to dance with no music?”

“Well if you would just learn to be aware of your surroundings, you would’ve noticed by now that they’re playing a waltz down in the ballroom.”

Begrudgingly, Elliot did as he said, nodding slowly when he finally picked out the tune. “Leo, you don’t know how to waltz.”

“Then teach me.”

“You want me, the world’s worst dancer, to teach you how to waltz. Is that right?”

“As long as I get to be the one who spins.”

“Now look who’s talking about theatrics.” Elliot rolled his eyes, took a deep breath, then placed one hand on Leo’s back, just below his shoulder. He then grabbed Leo’s right hand and lifted their arms together. “There, now put your left hand on my shoulder.” 

Leo was now panicking. Still, he did his best to maintain a neutral expression. This was not the time for Elliot to be asking more personal questions. _Fuck, I did not think this through._ “Like this?”

“Yeah. Okay, now watch my feet and try to follow what I’m doing. We’ll start slow. First you step here—”

Leo followed Elliot’s lead, stepping forward, sideways, backwards, one, two, three, one, two three. 

“I think that makes sense,” Leo said, still looking down at his feet even though they’d stopped moving. 

“Not too bad, right? Here, speed it up a little. Try to match the tempo of the music.”

So they sped up, just a little at first, Leo tripping over his feet a few times, and over Elliot’s far more than he cared to admit.

“Fuck! I said speed it up, Leo, not break my damn foot.”

Leo said nothing. He was far too busy trying not to combust on the spot. Yeah, he _definitely_ should’ve thought this through more. But despite Leo’s faulty footwork and Elliot’s jerky movements, they danced, slowly but surely speeding up to match the tempo of the music playing from the ballroom. They moved up and down the balcony, as far as the tight space would allow, stepping in circles and laughing when they went the wrong way. Neither of them took their eyes off their feet. Looking each other in the eye was one thing, but at this point, the aftermath of it would be a whole new ordeal to contend with.

“I definitely did not expect you to get the hang of this so quickly,” said Elliot, eyes still glued to the floor.

“It must be because I have such a good teacher. You’re really not half as bad as I thought you were, Elliot,” Leo responded, his own eyes busy examining his shoes. Was that a scuff mark he saw? It was too dark to tell. He’d have to keep looking at it. 

Elliot finally looked up, smiling sheepishly. “Oh don’t lie. I’m awful and you know it.”

Leo forced himself to meet Elliot’s gaze. The imaginary scuff mark could wait. “Well, neither one of us has fallen off this balcony to our deaths, so that must account for something.”

Elliot laughed a full, unreserved laugh, and their steps faltered for a second as he lost his composure. “Leo, you are the least funniest person I know,” he wheezed. It was a beautiful sight, seeing Elliot so carefree for once. He was usually so angry, and worried, and generally pissed off that Leo had grown to savor this kind of laughter when it finally came to surface. It was difficult to look away, especially when his eyes were so bright, so clear— _That’s it. That’s enough eye contact._ Leo looked down again.

“Want to try a spin?”

“Sure,” said Leo.

“You’ll have to keep your head up, though, or else we’ll both fall to our deaths.”

“Now look who isn’t being funny. Come up with your own jokes, you dimwit.”

Elliot sighed, exasperated, but Leo could still see a faint smile on his face. “Just shut up and spin clockwise, dumbass.”

And spin he did, and when he came back around they held onto each other again, and resumed their footwork. One-two-three, one-two-three, circling back around the balcony floor back to where they began. “Not bad, Leo. Really. You’re definitely a better dancer than me, end of story.”

Leo just smiled. “My turn to spin you,” he said. 

Elliot grinned, then spun around, laughing. “Spin me again.” And Leo did. “Again.” And he did. He kept spinning and spinning and now the both of them were laughing hysterically, and Elliot got too dizzy and his turns got sloppy and he kept stepping on Leo’s feet but Leo didn’t care, he didn’t care one bit, because finally, that melancholy feeling he’d been fighting had retreated, even if it was for just a moment. Even if it was just for a dance. 

The song ended, and Elliot had ended up so close to the edge that Leo had to grab both of his shoulders to stop him from careening over the railing. They laughed again as they stumbled back to the center of the balcony, arms still loosely wrapped around each other’s shoulders.

“I thought you wanted to be the one spinning,” Elliot laughed, out of breath.

“I did. Until _someone_ monopolized the whole dance with his dramatic ass.”

Elliot shoved him playfully in retaliation. “Shut up. You were laughing. You liked it.”

“Yeah, I did,” Leo admitted. 

“We’ll have to cover how to end it properly another time. I got too distracted this time.”

 _Another time?_ “I’d like that.”

“Good.”

Just like that, the conversation fizzled out. They stood there for a few seconds, the both of them struggling to find the right words to fill the silence. Leo shuffled away awkwardly, trying to put some more distance between them. It was getting a little too hard to breathe.

He cleared his throat. “You should head back down. Your family’s probably going to be pissed when they notice you’re gone.”

Elliot scoffed. “They’re always pissed. Besides, if I go back down, Vanessa’s going to start playing matchmaker again. I’d much rather stay up here with you.”

 _Matchmaker?_ Leo’s stomach churned. “Why? I’m just your valet. I’m the one who’s supposed to serve you, not the other way around.”

Elliot flinched. “Don’t say that, Leo. You’re worth so much more to me than that, and you know it.” He sighed, clearly searching for something else to say. “You just seemed so sad earlier that I…” He trailed off. “I mean, I know I wouldn’t want to be alone if I were feeling that down.”

Leo forced a smile onto his face. He’d almost forgotten why he had come up here, in the first place. “You’re overthinking this. I promise you, I’m fine. I just needed some fresh air, is all.”

“Oh. Alright.” Elliot frowned, unconvinced. He drew a sharp breath. “Can I still stay with you?”

This time, Leo’s smile was genuine. “What a dumb question. Of course you can.”

So they went back to the balcony railing, both facing out into the ink-dark night, talking about everything and nothing at all. It was just like earlier, except this time the voice in Leo’s ear was gentle and lively, and when he looked at Elliot’s eyes, the lights he saw didn’t flicker and disappear when he caught them straight-on. They just glowed brighter. Warmer.

Around them, the crickets chirped. The breeze ruffled their hair, their clothes. It smelled like fall. And somewhere below, muffled by the mansion’s walls, the orchestra played on.

**Author's Note:**

> ahhh! thank you so much for reading this! it means a lot to me that you took the time out of your day to consume this mediocre piece of writing. special thanks to [redacted] for reading this like 6 times and for our google doc conversations. *skull emoji* also thanks [redacted] for listening to me talk about victorian waltz music for like 2 hours,,
> 
> anyways we always see so much of elliot’s problems i thought it would be nice to explore how leo deals with all the glen shit before like,, fully becoming glen. amcnskckkd i’m rambling ok bye !!


End file.
